Let’s get real for a minute. Nice and raw. Nice and open. Because vulnerability is key here right? To connecting with you all. To learning how to grow and learning how to get stronger each day. To learning how to love ourselves.
Insomnia has been my companion lately. My body has decided that it can currently function on only a few hours of sleep every night. I know it’s not good for me, but for some reason I’m still functioning well enough. Maybe with some more time I will be able to really sleep again, but for now, insomnia has cuddled up next to me keeping me awake.
And once more I could not sleep last night. Midnight rolled around. Then 1am. Finally I turned off the TV and though maybe I shouldn’t try to fight it any longer. Maybe I should just sit here with myself and allow myself to feel whatever it is that is keeping me awake. I soon found out that it was loneliness. I figured it would kick in eventually.
They say that grief is a process and it is felt in stages. I went through the denial, thinking that everything was fine, that it would be just fine. fine. fine. yup. My favorite word. Then the anger. Going back and forth between who’s fault it really was and why we couldn’t just fix it. The bargaining. “If only I tried harder.” “If only I gave it more time.” The depression stage, which maybe I currently am in right now. I haven’t quite figured it out yet because I’ve been going back and forth between being ok and moving on to the final stage of acceptance, to running back and feeling the pain and loss all over again. Maybe those two stages are always the hardest for that very reason, because you can’t quite make it over the hill completely and to the other side. But maybe soon. Maybe one day.
So as I lay in my bed, sitting with the loneliness, I was thinking about the whole ‘date yourself’ post that I wrote yesterday. I thought maybe I could take it a step further. If I could take myself out and treat myself to something nice, why can’t I also tell myself words of affection and something nice to hear in say, perhaps, the form of a love letter. Everybody likes love letters right? Everybody likes hearing how amazing they are or special to someone or being reminded of how much they are loved. Well, why not take that concept and write some special words of love towards myself. Where is written in the rules of love that I cannot say kind and loving things to myself right?
So I got up. Sat at my desk and began writing.
To: You. From: Me.
My darling Christina,
You may feel alone right now. You may feel like there is absolutely no one in this world who could comfort you right now in your sadness. That your broken heart will never heal. That you will continue to feel this emptiness forever. But here I am to remind you of the most important thing. You are not alone for I am with you.
I am with you at 2am when you lay awake tossing and turning, waiting for sleep to come. I am with you when you feel like giving up. I am with you when you finally wake up from your slumber. I am with you in the noon, throughout your day, and wherever it may take you. I am with you even when you feel most alone. I will always be with you. I will never leave your side. You can always count on me. I will never stop loving you.
Take comfort in that, Christina. Take comfort in knowing that you are never really alone. That we will get through everything together one step at a time. That the pain will come and go, but we are strong because we have each other. You won’t fall apart. I will be here to hold you together. You can cry to me. You can scream. I won’t judge you. I won’t hurt you. I won’t make you feel bad. I will simply listen and be patient with you. I will remind you again and again that you are loved.
You will be ok. I promise this. As long as I have you and you have me. You will be ok.
I love you.
The Self Love Daily Challenge #041: write a love letter to yourself.
Take some time and write yourself a love note. It doesn’t have to be long. It could be a few lines or even just a small love reminder on the chalkboard (like the photo above that I did for myself). Be real with yourself. Be there for yourself. Give yourself the kind of love and affection that you seek. You deserve it!