“If I am not actively creating something, then chances are I am probably actively destroying something – myself, a relationship, or my own peace of mind.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
Well Hello strangers. Or rather, you all should be saying that to me. I know, I know. It’s been quite some time since I last posted. I also know that in my last post I promised that I would start updating the blog more often, but, as those who have been following my blog know already, my life has been a wee bit hectic as of late. Lots and lots of changes. Did I mention changes? And how incredibly life altering they have been?
However, for those of you who don’t know, let me catch you up real quick. In the past year (from last summer till now), I have probably gone through more significant life changes than the average person. I went from practically losing my mind (nervous breakdown) to complete financial destruction (almost losing my job) to losing my house (no security) to ending my relationship (no more love). More recently in the past few months while I have been on hiatus from my blog, I have been moving through the process of grieving and picking up the pieces of whatever was left in my life. I’ve been trying to rebuild from the ground up. Learning more about myself than ever before. Experiencing a whole range of emotions and discovering what it’s like to truly lose almost everything, but at the same time, gain a whole new self and be rebuilt into something greater and stronger than ever before.
It’s been quite the journey, let me tell you. And I do apologize for not recording everything I was experiencing and learning in the past few months, but I simply did not have the time nor the emotional and sometimes physical energy to do any kind of public writing. Instead I decided to turn inward. I wrote in my journal almost everyday – documenting my feelings, my emotions, the range of pain I felt, the mistakes I’d made and the things I’d learn from them. I discovered what it was truly like to be alone and depend fully on myself, which is something that everyone should learn. Over the past years i did not know what it was like to be my own person. I had completely molded myself into my ex-boyfriend, as if I was surgically a part of him. And because of this, I had lost any sense of self. I did not know who I was. I only knew who I was with him. But now, I am discovering who I am now without anyone.
Sure I’ll learn to love again someday, and when that time does come, I will still hold on to the self that I am now because it is a terrible, terrible thing to give her up for anybody. I am learning that no matter who we are with, we should always stay true to ourselves first. Not only because it is healthy for us to keep that sense of independence but because it is showing ourselves that we are deserving of our own love first and foremost, and this love is demonstrated by giving ourselves permission to stay true to ourselves. Because when we mold ourselves into other people and begin to lose our identities, we no longer are loving ourselves, instead we are almost saying that we are unworthy to be loved and unworthy to be who we are, and instead we must be who everyone else wants us to be.
At first I felt completely clueless. I did not know who I was and because of this I felt such a unsettling sense of insecurity. I had this anxiety that followed me around because I did not know how to feel comfortable with who I was. I began losing myself. I stopped writing. I stopped practicing self love. I stopped doing yoga. I stopped anything that made me feel the least bit happy or normal, and it was because I was allowing myself to be consumed by the grief and loss that I was feeling. This is normal, however, we also must push ourselves through it rather than simply sit and wallow, wasting away the potential inside of us. So slowly, I began to discover that it was ok to just be me. That it was ok to sit with and accept everything that I was feeling. That it was ok to not know who I was yet and that it would take time to discover that day by day. Over time, I began to feel that sense of being alive wash over me once more. My creativity began to spark. My passion for writing became fully ablaze. I dressed up, got my hair done, nails did, and went out into the world feeling brand new. Sometimes it really does take time, but sometimes it also takes our own strong will (along with a ton of prayer and God’s power) to push us out of the dark and into the light.
And folks, this is all happening just recently. So you should all feel pretty proud of me for getting back on board with the blog so soon.
So let’s see. Where am I getting at with all this? Well mostly to show you that it is possible to overcome. That with enough time, effort, prayer, and motivation you can pull through. I’m not saying that it’s easy, by no means, it’s not. And if I would’ve described the amount of pain and emotion I went through, you would not believe that I am the person that I am today. The girl who I was, was very lost and insecure. Sure, she may have played tough on the outside, but she needed a bit more refining to turn her into the woman she is now today. Today I am strong. I know I am loved. And I know I am worthy.
Now getting to my second point of this post, I did want to write about how important it is to push yourself into being creative and finding that passion. Like I mentioned before, the past few months I did lose my creativity and my passion for life and for my art. And the reason why I mentioned the above quote from my favorite author, Elizabeth Gilbert, is because what she said rings so much truth. If I am not actively creating, then it DOES mean I am actively destroying something, which most definitely is myself, my relationships, or some aspect of my life. In this case, because I had let myself get lost into the abyss of deep sadness and insecurity, I was slowly destroying myself AGAIN. Maybe I did not get there just yet, but if I would’ve continued down that path, inevitably, it would’ve happened. So I am SO glad that whatever spark that occurred in me went off because I DO NOT ever want to go down that path of losing myself again.
So please. FIND YOUR SPARK. Actively go and search for it because it is definitely in there somewhere deep down inside of you. And once you ignite that baby, all that passion and creativity and aliveness will come rushing back to you. I am starting to feel motivated again and that life finally has purpose once more. Why? Because I’ve decided that I deserve better than not showing myself that love and allowing myself to grow into full potential. I know that I have a gift, and if I just sit around letting it go un-used then what good is that to anyone? We should not waste our potential or our creativity. We must harvest it. We must nurture it and let it flourish. We were all given gifts and talents for a reason, so why let them go to waste?
This is now my upcoming plan and proposal. I’m going to stick to writing. Writing what I know for anyone who will read. I’m not going to care if it’s good or bad or perfect. I’m going to simply do it because it’s what I love to do and there is no room for judgement or perfection. I’m going to TRY to write every day but at the same time not beat myself up if it doesn’t happen. I am, however, going to make it a promise to myself to work towards my art every day in some form because that in itself is being true to yourself and showing yourself a form of self love.
So here is to new adventures. To a new journey. To a new self.
love to you all.
P.S. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook! ❤