“Most of the time when we feel chronically unhappy with our relationships, it is because we are struggling with our own insecurities and fears. Deep down we do not feel worthy of love or happiness, and when we feel like we don’t deserve it, we won’t be able to let it in.”
I read this statement today in a relationship book I am currently reading. It was talking about how most of the time when we are unhappy with our mates, it is usually a reflection of how we are feeling about ourselves – whether that is insecurity or some type of inadequacy or fear. And most of the time when have these unhealthy feelings towards ourselves, it blocks our paths to receiving the love our mates give us. And then we get caught up in an unhealthy cycle of being disappointed in our partners for them not giving us the type of “love” we want, but in reality, it’s our own fault for not believing in the fact that we are deserving of love in the first place.
This theory relates to loving ourselves as well. Most of the time when we feel unable to love ourselves or think kindly towards ourselves, it is because we do not feel like we are deserving of love. We have some sort of insecurity that is holding us back, believing that we are simply not good enough or worthy enough to be loved in the way we desire. Or sometimes the cause can come from a deep-seeded fear. Maybe in our past, we were abandoned or hurt in some significant way, which caused us to create beliefs that we are not deserving of love or that any love we do get, will inevitably hurt us in some form. This prevents us from experiencing love or trusting in its goodness. It also prevents us from loving ourselves and believing that we are deserving of good things.
It is so important to have healthy beliefs about ourselves. We must truly believe that we are worthy, that we are enough, and that we are valuable. We must also seek our value not from others or this world, but from deep within – from God. I listened to a sermon today that stated that the only one who can give true value to something is the Creator of that object. Since God is our Creator, He is the only one who has that right to give us our value, and of course we are more than valuable in His eyes. And yet so many of us do not believe this. We believe that in order to be valuable, we must feel worthy in the eyes of others. They must see that value in us through our looks or our personalities or whatever goods we have as part of who we are, and then they can properly assess how valuable we are as a person. If they give us a good value, then we feel worthy. We feel like we are worthy of their love and of love in general, including our own. If they dismiss us or give us poor value, we feel rejected. We feel as though we are not worthy of any kind of love, including our own.
It took me a long time to figure this out. I always looked to the world or to friends or family or even my job or how many goals I achieved to give me my value. And most of the time, each person gave me a different value, so I was often confused. But of course, it’s human nature to pay attention to the negative first before the positive so I always went with the lowest value that one person gave. Eventually, I believed that this was my true value. That I really wasn’t worth that much and because of this, I had to work extremely hard to raise my value. I had to become better. I had to mold myself into something more worthy or attractive. And even though I tried (and sometimes keep trying), I was never able to succeed to proving that I was more valuable than what others believed. So the belief stuck in my head for many years and it damaged me to the point that it was even difficult to love myself or see my own value. It still is sometimes. I still have to remind myself over and over that I am an amazing person and deserving of love.
I’ve noticed though when I do start to feel insecure or fearful that I am not valuable, I begin to panic. I strive again. I try too hard. I start to seek out wholeness from other people and I place demands on them to fill me up and show me that I am deserving. But this creates the opposite effect. It only creates a deeper unhappiness and discontentment on my part. And then I am not able to receive the love that really are giving me because I am so focused on getting this desired “wholeness” from them, (that is impossible to give to anyone in the first place) that I completely let the love they are already giving me pass me by. It’s so stupid! Isn’t it? And yet we do this over and over and over again.
So I want to change that. I want to be an encourager. I want to prove that everyone is worthy, that we just have to see it for ourselves rather than relying on outside sources to prove it to us. We have to believe that God made us exactly the way He did for a reason and it is because He knew what an amazing creation we were going to be. He tells us that we are more valuable than birds (Matt. 10:31) or that we are precious and honored in his sight (Isaiah 43:4). We must believe that if our own Creator is telling us that we are deserving of His own love. We must be valuable then!
I’m tired of allowing my insecurities and fears over feeling inadequate ruin relationships and friendships and whatever else in my life over and over again. I want to receive the love that I deserve. I want everyone to because we are all deserving of it! Please believe this. I beg you.
I know we will all find more happiness if we can begin to open up those pathways inside of ourselves. If we can begin to believe that we are deserving of good things, then good things will come our way. It’s all about our belief system in the end. So change up those thoughts! Start setting your mind on the right things!
The Self Love Daily Challenge:
Trust in your value. Trust that you are worthy of love and finally unblock that path of receiving it.