I know, I know. It’s been a while. My last post was probably even more random because it basically stated that I was getting off all social media for 30 days…see ya…bye…later!
But funny thing is, I didn’t really last 30 days, not because I couldn’t do it (because after the first few days, it actually became quite easy staying offline) but because I actually missed posting stuff. I found out that posting stuff online was not really about the likes I received but rather about having an outlet for myself creatively. I like writing about random things and I like taking pictures of my food or of the places I go. That’s how I express myself. And when I didn’t have that outlet to share my “art”, I started to feel a bit purposeless.
It’s not that social media is the only form of creative expression out there because I’m sure if I just started creating art and sharing it with real people in the world, it would kind of have the same effect, but I think sharing online has become something different. Sure, it’s great to have that instant gratification feeling of people “liking” your posts, but I think I also like the ease of being able to produce something so quickly and get it out there.
I guess I can’t be so resistant against technology because it really is the age we live in right now. This is how people communicate and connect. Don’t get me wrong, I love old fashioned communication even better, but connectinng online isn’t really all that bad.
So why did I have such an issue with it? Well I think we get into the danger zone when we begin to stop using social media as a way to connect and start using it as a place where we begin to compare our lives to the lives of others and then find ourselves stuck in these negative, unhealthy thoughts like “why our lives aren’t as cool?”
That’s when social media becomes evil. But it’s not like it’s evil in itself. We make it evil by seeking out these negative comparisons. We are the root cause of our own problems. So I guess that’s what I was doing. I was looking at everyone else’s lives and comparing mine to theirs. I kept seeing how far along they were in their own journeys and then looking at mine with disappointment. I then started to place the blame on social media, saying how stupid it was because all the people on there post only about how awesome their lives are and nothing real.
But then I thought about. Why would we want to highlight the bad things in our life? I mean nobody wants to read about that kind of stuff. That’s what connecting with other people in person is for so that we can talk about the real issues and worries on our mind and be there physically for each other. But social media is rather a place for connecting in different ways. Like for example, sharing good news or sharing your art, or sharing your writing.
So it’s really not all that bad. We can choose to make it good. Or we can choose to make it negative. But that’s with anything. We always have a choice.
So…I guess I pretty much took up half the post with my little lesson I learned from being off social media for 10 days, but I guess I didn’t really have a set post in mind.
This post is kind of the welcome back post. The one where I talk about how I want to change the direction of the blog. So here’s my goals. Instead of this being a pure self-help blog where I basically just write on and on about what I’ve learned and offer up advice, I want it to be more real. Somewhere I can just write about my thoughts on different topics and also about what I am still learning.
I feel like I’ve been sounding a bit too robotic or too ‘self-help-y’. I kind of hate those books where they basically give you a bunch of advice as if it’s as simple as 1-2-3 and then you go and try it and it really is nothing at all like real life.
Yeah. Real life cannot be solved with simple advice solutions. You have to kind of wing things sometimes. You have to make mistakes, learn a little bit, try again, make more mistakes, and then maybe make a little progress, then repeat until eventually you learn the lesson. But even then, no one is ever perfect, and you’re always going to be learning something in some form.
Silly me had this little idea that I was finally healed and ok after everything I had been through in the last two years. But then reality hits and you realize, you’re really not ok. You may be better than you were, even stronger than you were, but you’re still learning new things and how to get even stronger than that.
In the last few months, I’ve been pretty up and down. I mean thank God I can handle things a lot better than I used to – meaning no panic attacks or major episodes of anxiety. But when life throws you some curve balls, it’s still not that easy to just cope and be ok. You have to be gentle and patient with yourself, especially when things are hectic.
So I guess it all started after I found out that my ex got married. Shocker. BIG SHOCKER. I mean good for him, I’m happy for him, but the pain of realizing that I wasn’t good enough for him to marry me is what really hit me the hardest.
Of course, now I know it’s really nothing against me. I’m awesome. Who wouldn’t want to marry me? And you can’t think that way anyway because in reality, there is nothing wrong with you. You are amazing and just because someone doesn’t pick you or think you are amazing, doesn’t make you any LESS amazing. I had to come to terms with this because the news really caught me off guard – to the point where I was really shaken up by it.
I began questioning my identity majorly. Namely, not showing myself any kind of self love whatsoever, but really showing myself the opposite. I kept blaming myself for everything all over again. The wound was so deep that it began bringing out underlying suppressed memories from my childhood even, feelings of not being good enough for my dad to make him stay together with my mom and our family. I started questioning everything about myself – whether I was deserving of love, whether I was good enough for love, whether I was beautiful, the list goes on and on. I cried a lot because I felt so lost and so hurt. And it wasn’t because I missed my ex or felt regret for breaking up, because I don’t, I’m really over it, but it was because I felt rejected in general. I wondered what was wrong with me to make people abandon me?
It was an emotional upheavel for a month or two, and what made things worse was that it seemed as if every single one of my friends were getting engaged in that period of time. Just one after the other. Was it something in the water? I don’t know. But literally, every one of my friends announced their engagements over facebook. I started to feel envious, angry almost. Because now I really wanted to know why it was them and not me getting engaged? Did I not deserve to be married? Did my boyfriend not love me? I feel crazy looking back and thinking these things now, but at the time I was so shattered by everything that I really did not know what thoughts were healthy and not.
So I was angry and I pretty much let it out by constantly bashing social media. Blaming it on facebook or instagram – it was their fault that I was not getting married. Or rather, social media was so stupid that I didn’t need to waste my time on it any longer because I didn’t need to be looking at what everyone else was doing anyway.
So I went on my tiny sabbatical. And in those 10 days, I wish I could’ve said I had a bunch of great moments of enlightenment, which I did, but it really didn’t help right away. It wasn’t until after I got back onto social media that I no longer began to feel threatened by it. Why should I be envious of these people? They are my friends, I should be happy for them. And I should be happy for myself and be enjoying my life presently as it is, rather than trying to fast forward it to this point in time when I believe that will finally make me happy.
Happiness isn’t about achieving certain goals or milestones. It’s about enjoying the journey. Enjoying the present moment even if it’s not spectacular or post-worthy news. So lately, I’ve been trying to just enjoy the moment – whatever it may be, even if it’s doing something I don’t necessarily want to be doing. I’m trying to learn from every situation. I’m trying to expand my mind instead of being so narrow-minded. I want to be open to life, not so closed off onto this tiny path that I think will lead to happiness. Many paths can lead to happiness, it’s really all about perspective anyway. You can choose to see your life as beautiful…or not.
And I think I want to choose to see that it is. Because life really is too short to see it as not.
The Self Love Challenge:
So what is the self love challenge for today? To see life as still beautiful. No matter what your circumstances are. No matter how far along on your path you are. No matter what anyone around you is doing. And no matter how many likes you have on your facebook post.
Life is still beautiful.
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